Ever make a mistake that just continuously eats away at you? Part of it is because of the backlash you rightfully deserve, but also you let others down. It's really a difficult thing to process, let alone accept. I compare the situation to one of my diving lessons. When entering the water, we always want to ensure we leave nature as it was before we showed up. I know the intent is to not touch or harm the natural beauty, but the ocean is forever changed by my being there. It is the nature of reality.